"The Godfather Saga", the chonological one, is on Bravo tonight. Remember when Michael was hiding out in Sicily and he saw Appolonia? His guards said that he had been hit "by the thunderbolt". I know that feeling. That's exactly how I felt when I saw Jenny for the first time. Exactly.

"The best portion of a good man's life is the little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." - William Wordsworth That's the problem; she remembers little, and cares less.

My little chow puppy -- well, 11 months -- died in my arms a little while ago. I don't know what happened. She looked like she had been in a fight. God, it hurts; I loved that little baby. I'm down to a sick parent, 2 dogs and 2 godkids. I just can't lose anyone else. She knew what it was like for me to lose those close to me, and she left anyway. Without a word of explanation. That's the hardest to forgive, and it's what hurts the most. Yet I can't hate her. Fuck porn and pimps. Anyway, I thought if I let it out here, it might help. At least I can cry, and that helps. I don't want to bury Chloe (irony hurts, too) -- the puppy -- in the dark, yet it's hard to wait until morning. I'll bury her next to her mother, Coco. It's getting so hard. If not for responsibilities to the few loved ones left ... well, fuck it.

Fell off the wagon again, but I climbed back on. Holidays are rough. And she is like an open wound ... John Lennon 10/9/40 - 12/8/80