Saturday, October 02, 2004

This is a very interesting series of numbers:


No, I haven't given up. I never will. I believe in you. I'll keep trying.

It's been a really shitty month. Hell, it's been a shitty year, but ... My mother's left hip -- the old one, replaced in '95 -- has dislocated 3 times since late June. This is in addition to the right hip replacement she had done in February. She's in good health but pretty much an invalid. I do just about everything. I can't work, except at home, tending to her. Home health helps a lot, but ... I'm locked in. Payback. Loyalty. Duty.

My computer is busted and there is no money to get it fixed (yeah, things are that bad). I have 3 degrees but basically what I do now is run a nursing home, with all that goes with that.

So things aren't good. Better, but not good.

There was my slip back in March. Did S. tell you?

Whatever. But I'm here for you and will keep trying. I know you just have to read anything written about you, so ... Expect a lot more.

I can get away to go to the library most days. Home health helps with that. Only for a few hours, though, then back to duty.

Haven't been handling things too well lately. I could use you. Just to chat.

Oh: And we've been discovered. Or I've been discovered. An old friend reads this blog. He doesn't know you. But he finds this interesting. I'd asked him not to read it but I got a voicemail message from him the last time my mother was in the hospital, Septemberish, and he said he will continue to read despite my asking him not to. Of course (he didn't say this but I know) he thinks this is pathetic and sad and I'm chasing pipe dreams. Which is all true, of course, but I don't think he realizes how much I NEED to chase this pipe dream. I'll die if I give up on you.

The thing he said that really hurt was that he thinks this blog is funny. So ...

So be it. I'm funny and sad and pathetic, which is, of course, what LOVE does to you. Everybody knows that.

Anyway, don't worry. He doesn't know you and you don't know him, and nobody is ever gonna find out who you are from me.

But ... I haven't been around the Pish Posh Blog for awhile and I thought I'd say why. Hospitals, doctors, a virtual nursing home at home. But I plan to come to this library and use the computers here fairly regularly. That's the plan, but ...

I'm here. You know. And I love you. Always will. And believe in you. You're not bad, you just think you are. And it's not your fault. Please get out of that scummy fucking business.

Back to the home nursing home. Until ...