Sunday, April 13, 2003

Oh, just once in a silver moon ...

It’s been 2 years today – the 13th, fittingly – since I last “talked” to her. It still hurts. I still miss her. I adored her. Still do. I still think of her most every day. For her, I would have seriously considered helping to bury the body.

She told me that she loved me; that I had made her a better person; that I was so very good to her (and I was); and that she would never just blow me off and walk away. She said she wouldn’t – couldn’t – do that to me. A month later I found out she’d done exactly that. I still don’t know why.

I don’t believe I will ever truly trust anyone new in my life ever again. Will never marry. Will never put myself out there on that fragile emotional limb again. Trust. No. She hammered that lesson home for me for the final time. One of the many things I learned from her … I don't think she meant to cause that, but there it is.

Yet I don’t believe I misjudged her. She’s a good kid, if only she’d allow herself to believe it. She’s far more damaged and just plain ill, I think, than evil. Or even bad. She thinks she’s bad and goes about trying to prove it; but she’s not. Just damaged, like the rest of us. Someone evil damaged her, I think. I feel sorry for her, to be honest. She’s probably been used and abused her entire life so she uses others in return. That’s the classic cycle of abuse.

More than anything else, what she feels like is, well, a death in the family. And I loved her like family. The absence of her aches sometimes, two years on. I knew her weaknesses, her frailties, yet I truly never thought she’d really just up and disappear. Not her. Because she KNEW how many people I’d loved and lost to Death. She knew all too well because I’d told her. And I told her because I trusted her. And she knew the pain it would cause me if I loved, and lost, again. She knew. So that’s the hardest thing to forgive. Leaving while knowing what it would do to me, selfish as that sounds.

Yet I’d forgive that and more. The “mindfucking”, the lies. All of it. To a certain extent, she knows not what she does.

Two years ago, I truly believed she was getting her act together, putting her demons behind her, healing, cleansing. Apparently, that wasn’t true, either. And that hurts, too; to see her leave the better part of herself behind. Again.

I tried to help her. I tried to show her that someone cared about HER, as a human being and a friend, not some object. As a living, breathing, feeling human being. I suppose I failed her. That’s not easy to live with. I carry that guilt around whether it's warranted or not. We failed one another, I guess.

But I love her and always will love her. That was my pledge, and I keep my word. If that’s pathetic, so be it. It’s the truth.

I hope she finds peace. She doesn’t mean to hurt people. She means to hurt herself and reinforce the negative opinions she has of herself. Hurting others is collateral damage.

Happy Anniversary, Beauty.

I never betrayed you. And I never will.

(And I would be shocked if anyone you ever knew reads this. Now I’ll get email asking who you are. I won’t tell because, the truth is, I don’t really know.)

I’ll keep praying.

Hit it, Keith ...

As I stand by your flame
I get burned once again
Feelin' low down and blue, Yeah

As I sit by the fire of your warm desire I've got the blues for you, Yeah

Every night you've been away
I've sat down and I have prayed
That you're safe in the arms of a guy
Who will bring you alive
Won't drag you down with abuse

In the silk sheet of time
I will find peace of mind
Love is a bed full of blues

And I've got the blues for you
And I've got the blues for you
And I've got burned up for you
And I'll tear my hair out
I'm gonna tear my hair out just for you
If you don't believe what
I'm saying At three o'clock in the morning, babe, well,
I'm singing my song for you

(I Got The Blues -- Jagger/Richards)

The wall of Saddamism, which helped bad leaders stay in power and young Arabs remain backward and angry, was as dangerous as Saddam. "The social, political, cultural and economic malaise in this part of the world had become a threat to American security — it produced 9/11," said Shafeeq Ghabra, president of the American University of Kuwait. "This war was a challenge to the entire Arab system, which is why so many Arabs opposed it. The war to liberate Kuwait from Iraq [in 1991] was outpatient surgery. This war was open-heart surgery."
Will Pearle PLEASE shut up !!!
No Scud missiles have been fired at Israel. Only a few oil wells have been set afire. Hussein has not used chemical or biological weapons. Turkey has not intervened in the north, and Iran has not intervened in the east.
Britain and the United States have bypassed the United Nations to establish a secret team of inspectors to resume the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
It is a sign of the desperation in London and Washington to find a "smoking gun" to justify the war that the Anglo-American team has already conducted three inspections in the past two weeks.