Hell, no! I would never, NEVER watch that crap! Especially now. Not only do I disapprove, but it would quite literally hurt my heart too bad to see that. OK, wait -- actually, I did watch part of one, the 2nd one, the psychic one. On the Playboy Channel, pay-per-view, a couple of years ago. The softcore version (which was about all I could take and even that was painful enough). I got it in my head, one night, quite suddenly as I recall (having seen the listing), that I wanted to see her move (as in WALK, dirty mind). And to try and be sure. I only made it through about half an hour. Couldn't take that -- none of it, at any level; jealousy, degradation, pain, whatever -- not even with the cuts. I'm not a bit ashamed to say that it made me cry. But I was never a porn guy.** Playboy, years ago, yes. BGC.C, yes (but that wasn't porn, not to me; it was Beauty). Porn, absolutely no. I always thought it was more than just a little bit sad. Exploitive. Mere athletics without Love. Women performing men's fantasies. I felt embarrassed for the participants and angry with myself for getting aroused at their exploitation. I mean, like ... Watch Howard Stern's E show sometime when he has porn chicks on (and I don't, often) and tell me that's NOT sad! Remember those kids in elementary school who the slime little kid elite would pay to do weird things? Or dare? "Hey, Tommy, give you a dollar if you eat the cat shit." It's like that. Stupid/damaged human tricks, with the guy with the cash always, ALWAYS laughing. "Demeaning" doesn't turn me on. I hurt for those people, having, for whatever reason, lost their dignity (and in the end, isn't that all any of us really has?). Always did. And I really hurt for her. ------ ** I'd like to see how much someone, like, say ... Howard Stern would enjoy porn if one of this three daughters got into it. Not very damn much, I'd bet. Or how any man -- any man with a decent soul -- would feel about it if someone he loved were involved in it. I don't mean the hypocrites, the ones who sit in church Sunday morning after spending Saturday night at the titty bar. Or the users, the freaks. I mean those with a conscience and a real sense of ethics and fair play, who would sooner cut off their own privates than to USE another human being, or benefit from their being used; and the intelligence to know that "talent" in porn are exploited for their all-too-human weaknesses and frailties. Truly decent people like, well, like ME. I never used that girl. Not once. I looked out for her. She tried to turn it into that, later, because that's what she does, for her own sad purposes; to try and make the world and any man she comes across conform to her own distorted image. And someone distorted it for her! A MAN used her and hurt her badly. I knew that from the get-go. Damaged her so much she's self-destructive and HATES HERSELF. Made her subconsciously DESTROY.ANY.HEALTHY.RELATIONSHIP, so as to reinforce a) her basic, existential belief that she is a BAD PERSON, a bimbo, a whore, a nut, a sexual deviant (and she will behave that way to set herself up!), and b) that all MEN are, too, if she just digs deep enough to find it in them. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And she's fucking WRONG! On both counts! And I never loved her for the crap some asshole made her believe about herself, that seductress. Some did. I loved/love her for what she IS! And I've seen it. My FRIEND and I making Thanksgiving dinner in cyberspace. Or playing "Dictionary" with the ruffians online ("wanna see my snatch?" She's so funny! So bright a star! So unique and special and uncommonly beautiful (and there are "common" beauties). GOOD! A good, loveable -- if flawed, confused and, yes, a bit damaged (aren't we all) -- soul and child of God. Who DESERVES to be loved. She would say, "oh, no, if you knew what I know ... " I don't give a shit, kiddo. You're stuck with my love. Evermore, as Poe said. Anyway, I always sought to build her up, not use her and tear her down. I hope she doesn't/hasn't fallen so far that she can't pull herself up, but I fear it. I'm intensely worried about that. I can't write anymore now. I'm at the library. I'm shaking. Eyes moist behind my shades. And the pain is ... immobilizing. I'm sorry. Later.

Every finger in the room is pointing at me I wanna spit in their faces Then I get afraid what that could bring I got a bowling ball in my stomach I got a desert in my mouth Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now. I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets I've been raising up my hands Drive another nail in Just what GOD needs One more victim Why do we crucify ourselves Every day I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you Crucify myself Every day I crucify myself And my HEART is sick of being in chains Got a kick for a dog beggin' for LOVE I gotta have my suffering So that I can have my cross I know a cat named Easter He says will you ever learn You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the brid I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets I've been raising up my hands Drive another nail in Got enough GUILT to start My own religion Why do we crucify ourselves Every day I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you Crucify myself Every day I crucify myself And my HEART is sick of being in chains Please be Save me I CRY Looking for a savior in these dirty streets Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets I've been raising up my hands Drive another nail in Where are those angels When you need them Why do we crucify ourselves Every day I crucify myself Nothing I do is good enough for you Crucify myself Every day I crucify myself And my HEART is sick of being in chains Why do we change (chains?) Crucify ourselves Everyday Never going back again Crucify myself again You knowNever going back again to Crucify myself Everyday -- Tori Amos

Artist: Scott McKenzie LyricsSong: San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair) If you're going to San Francisco Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair If you're going to San Francisco You're gonna meet some gentle people there For those who come to San Francisco Summertime will be a love-in there In the streets of San Francisco Gentle people with flowers in their hair All across the nation such a strange vibration People in motion There's a whole generation with a new explanation People in motion people in motion For those who come to San Francisco Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair If you come to San Francisco Summertime will be a love-in there If you come to San Francisco Summertime will be a love-in there Be safe, kiddo. And that stuff about love-ins? DISREGARD!

"Love is patient and kind; Love is not jealous, or conceited, or proud; Love is not ill-mannered, or selfish, or irritable; Love does not keep a record of wrongs: Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the Truth. Love never gives up: its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal ... There are faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these is Love." -- I Corinthians 13

I wonder how you'd react to this ... FOOL'S GOLD - by Constance Merritt As once a child you relished childish things, In reverie you surf the net for toys -- If only sex were somehow interesting. It almost turns you on remembering The mysteries of girls, the thrum of boys, When as a child you played at childish things. But that, that wasn't real: imagining Some pure, ethereal sweet that wouldn't cloy. If only sex were somehow interesting. Are we there yet? What can we do, it's boring? Sure bullion in the bank becomes alloy As when a child you tired of childish things. Change positions, partners, sexes: fling Inhibitions, morals to the wind. Joy. If only sex were somehow interesting. Methodically you play, no heart for playing -- Desire's game an unremitting toil As when a child you aped grim grown-up things And dreamed that sex was so so interesting.

... "her character's blind ambition, her need for validation. "And I can definitely identify with her selfishness, her being so focused on her dream that she forgets about everything else. It's not that Roxie is coldhearted and mean," said Ms. Davis, whose affection for the role has only grown since she has been on Broadway. "She's just desperate."

"Collecting money on something you detest is no kind of success." -- film director Bronwen Hughes