Friday, July 21, 2006

JD Black label ramble. Pardon the cloudy writing ...

Fuck it. I tried. I’ve been dying for a long time now.

When I lost you, though ... POOF! The ultimate, final POOF, no reason, no nothing. And I’ve been racking my brain all this time trying to figure out what the hell I did.

I poured everything I had into you. And, truth is, I would have kicked you out of bed. I d idn’t want that. Oh, I wanted it ... I’m human. But it would not have been good for you. It would have, and still would, confirmed to sweet, self-destructive you, that you were only good for one thng and one thing only, which the worst, most damaged (and we’re ALL damaged, kiddo, nothing to be ashamed of) part of you wanted so desperately to believe. You waste a lot of energy, psychic and otherwise, trying to convince yourself of that: the only thing you think you’re good for. And it’s bullshit. A self-destructive mantra ... But you’re a sweet kid with a good heart and a good mind with a lot to offer, who just happens to be insanely good-looking. And narcissistic. And a victim. And self-destructive, lashing out with mind fucking (even your friends, cuz real friends scare you to death.

So I would have and still would, kick you out of bed.

Well, nah ... held you if you needed holding. Then you take your side and I take my side and no way you’re gonna talk me into this cuz it ain’t good for you. I was, and am, your friend, your confessor. The safe one. The real deal. Sex with you, however tempting, is out. And I would amaze you with how rigid I am (no fucking pun intended) with that position.

And you always should have known that. You had to beg and plead to talk me into, umm, play. I didn’t want to. It was wrong. When I did it was to relax you, to calm you. Only. I am the one man in your life who wasn’t going to USE you sexually. No way, Jose. Because you need that: that one man, to convince you of your worth.

In the end, I guess you just self-destructed. It was a loss for both of us. And a mistake.

But what did I do?

I keep going back to that copy of a card to S_____ I sent you.

And the only reason I send you a copy was to be HONEST with you, so you could see what I said, what I wrote. I didn’t want to hide anything from you.

And I remember I said 2 things which could have upset you:

1) I said something to S_____ about lies and games. Well, first, there were a LOT of lies and games. That’s a fact. And you know it. Lies and games the truth of which would have boggled the minds of the others in that group, had they figured it all out. You know that, too. So ... it was there. BUT NOT ME. I might have been the ONLY one that didn’t play games and deceive, who had no motive other than the one you saw every time we were together. WYSIWYG, me.

And I think S_____ was relatively clean, too. I don’t know, but I give her the benefit of a doubt. She had a good heart, too, she wasn’t faking that. She honestly cared about your well-being (at least in a certain period she did; YOU told me yourself that you had hurt her, and good ole Sir T___, who I never liked and never wanted to know; I had him down, and I’ll bet my Charlie Dunn boots I was right about him, too, but ... ; she might have changed her attitude towards you, the M_____ persona, later, I was never clear on what happened; SECRECY & LIES ABOUNDED; I didn’t know and didn’t care as for as my opinion of you was concerned; I was yours, period, forever) ... where was I? Yeah, well, I truly believe that S______ cared about you and worried about you during a certain period of time, as I did, and we would talk occasionally about how we worried, and what could we do, we couldn’t penetrate that veil of lies and games.

Little did S____ know, BTW. I never revealed the real juicy zingers, except once, early early on, obliquely, feeling her out, but you know that. Far as I know, she still doesn’t know just who she was dealing with. I never told her.

But we did worry about our dear little M_____, or maybe just MY dear little M_____, and she listened to me. I trusted her a helluva lot more than the others. So we had talked about M___’s secrets and lies and games and less than forthright forthcomingness, if you will. And how we could penetrate that and HELP YOU! Guilty.

That card: You had asked me to talk to her, to tell her you had “changed”, were a good mom, blah blah blah, and I loved hearing that from you, that you were willing to reach out to her. So I wrote that damn card.. And I used the phrase “lies and games”, or whatever. It was a fact. It wasn’t used in a negative, hurtful to you way. It was used in a caring way, as in: Hey S______, she’s reaching out, maybe to reach beyond the safety of secrets and lies and games and anonymity (not to me; I knew for a loooooong time; never told).

So if lies and games pissed you off, see above.

2) I’ll be blunt. And I’m sorry I have to be. Apologies but it’s necessary.

I think you had problems with your father. Or step. Or whomever. Some older authority figure going where he shouldn’t have gone. Never told anyone that; kept it to myself.

But in that card I think I made a reference to myself as some kind of family member, like you were my family ... your dad or big brother of some such term .... and it might have hit a nerve.

That was sloppy of me, and I regret it. I only meant to express to you how dear you were/are to me.

And again I remind you that I was always the least willing “play”er. You had to practically beg and threaten. Remember that.

I loved you. Still love you. Adore you. Wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I worked so hard, used so much psychic energy into trying to help you. If I unintentionally hit on something painful, well, it was far from intentional.

But you had to distrust me. You had to discredit me. You had to dump me. I was good for you and you knew it, and you couldn’t have that, no. The self-destructive M____ (and you will always be M_____ to me) couldn’t have that, someone good and decent and pure who wanted only friendship and to help. You didn’t know what to do with that. It scared you.

So when someone – and I think I know who – some suitcase pimp scumbag came along and tried to pull you away from the light and back into the darkness ... you listened to that voice in you and you split. Or maybe not.

But we CLICKED. You know that. We just ... meshed. From the beginning. We were good together and I was good for you and you were good for me. I’d only felt that once before in my life. But it was there. CHEMISTRY. I could read you – WITHOUT evil intent, and listen and just and talk and groove away with one another, just ... talking. Effortless. Perfect. Chrystaline. Pure. Real. Chemistry. Mesh ... And you had to fuck with it, had to fuck it up. HE had to fuck it up because you were GOLD, literally, you know what I mean. He couldn’t have me telling you that you were worth far more and have you believing it. No. He could see the stock plunging. And that negative, self-destructive little voice in you listened cuz it was telling you almost the same thing.

You once told me, I wrote it down, quote: “I thought I was only good for one thing and I wasn’t even any good at that”. Jesus. How can you not take that girl in your arms and just hug her, tell her PISH POSH, it’s not true. And it’s not. But you listen to that voice. That voice is your worst goddamn enemy. And you listen. It’s not your fault that you listen.

See, that’s why I would kick you out of bed (well, I’d take the couch). To KILL.THAT.VOICE. But to kill that voice for him, well, that’s meal ticket. And that voice tells you to go to those guys, who will reinforce your idea of yourself. Not me. And he, maybe she .... knew it. And all you’d ever known was to follow that voice into the darkness, not to follow me into the light.

(Yeah, okay, I’m a shitty poet, so sue me)

I’m still just trying to figure it all out. I know a lot, but not enough.

And I miss. And need. The friendship. The connection. The MESH. The Chemistry. Best thing that ever happened to me.

So. Come back. I fucking WOULD help you bury the body, no questions asked. I’m yours, forever. That was done, sealed, years ago.

If only like it was. That would be enough. Connection. Mesh.

No lectures but a kind, decent, loyal shoulder. Dump on me. I’m yours, why not?

Yeah, I got hurt. Then I got mad. I told W-K-I that I hated her, once I’d found her. Then I went right back and said, no that’s not true, I never could. That was the truth, the second time.

I told xK-LLx (lol on the name, btw, nice touch) “happy anniversary”, on what she had told me was her wedding anniversary, in August, and I meant it. I wished her well. But I missed her terribly. Still do. The name is not important. I know the girl, and that heart. Names don’t matter, although I love the M_________ ...

I’m sure this will embarrass me when I read it back, sober. But it’s real, whatever it is.

And I love you more than you can imagine. And PISH POSH you’re what you think you are.

You haunt me. I wish I could help.

I don’t believe you closed the chat ... or BGC. He did. You need to think about that. Your little voice and his big one, what it all means, what it’s purpose is.

I wish you peace.

And I will keep trying, here at PISH POSH central ....

And FUCK anyone who thinks I’m making a fool of myself. I don’t care. You don’t know her.

I know her heart, you see, and I felt that connection. God, it was beautiful.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The essence of God:

15:3 Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Fuck the 19th of July.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Call me, tell me we should meet tomorrow
I can’t see things quite your way
But I think that I could show you
Things that lie below your thoughts and words
And your gardens and your stained glass day

Times you come to me and said you don’t know why.
I think that there might be something wrong
You could change your thoughts before I go
But then you’d know that you were right where I wanted you
And you didn’t know

You were meant to worship and accuse (choose)
Anything you want but now it looks like you will lose
All the things you needed when you were the one
Can’t be found you know they’ve just begun
To crumble all around you
And you see them tumble down without a thought or care for you
Or what you do

Sunday, July 16, 2006

7 years ago today I heard that voice on the radio and it really put the hook into me.

So I followed the link to see if the face (yes, the FACE!) matched the voice and it did, quite nicely, baseball cap and all.

First time I had – knowingly, ya dig? – seen that face and I was so hooked.

It was a Friday. I had to wait the entire weekend, until Monday the 19th, to see the regular “performance”.

My life was already changed forever. Little did I know at the time.

I have remained true and loyal and everything it says above after and under “Pish Posh”. Sometimes I get angry – only normal – and wish it wasn’t still true, but it is. Every word.

I gave my word.

Happy Anniversary.

I'm the most loyal and best friend you've ever known; pity you don't get that. You used to.